Won't go home without you
by fiesa
Summary: Life could have gone one like this forever. And then, suddenly, Chris is back, and Scotty has to think about how he actually wants his life to be - and what place Lil holds in it. Three-chaptered oneshot.
1. I Things I left unsaid

** Won't go home without you**

_Summary: Life could have gone one forever. And then, Chris is back, and Scotty has to think about how he actually wants his life to be... Three-chaptered oneshot. _

_Warning: Wow... This was written ages ago! I apologize beforehand for grammar mistakes. _

_Set: story-unrelated, future fic_

_Disclaimer: Standards apply. _

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 1 Things I left unsaid**

_I asked her to stay, but she wouldn't listen  
She left before I had the chance to say_

The closer he got to the elevator which would take him to the sixth floor – the more his steps slowed down.

Instinctively, without even thinking about what he was doing. The people in the elevator watched him with bored and disinterested faces – could one be both at the same time? He would have to think about it – and waited for the doors to close in his face. How he had predicted – how he had wanted it. The elevator gave a ring and started to close its doors.

And someone stepped in their way.

With an annoyed sound, the doors opened again and the people in the cabin let out their held breath simultaneously. Now he would reach them in time, would cause a delay to their appearance in their offices – and he would be the reason for every problem they would be confronted with during the day. _"There was this guy at the main floor. It was his fault I came too late… And from then, the whole day just went to waste…"_

The digital watch at the wall showed the time: 7.25 o'clock. Every single person still had some time to reach their office till 7.30.

"Morning, Scotty," Will Jeffries said and moved his massive body away from the doors to let him enter.

"Mornin'," Scotty answered and took his place next to his colleague. The doors closed and with a last bell ring the elevator started to climb the building.

"And thanks," he finished.

"You're welcome."

In an elevator, one didn't speak. Angry glances were directed at them and both Will and Scotty fell silent. Scotty checked his watch. Now he had… approximately 40 seconds to recollect himself. Until he would have to face her directly.

* * *

_The words that would mend the things that were broken  
But now it's far too late, she's gone away._

_

* * *

_

At this point, those 40 seconds shall be used to take a short break.

Scott Valens, called Scotty by everyone who knew him well, was a man in his late 30ies – in his best years, so to speak. He was tall and well-built and the Hispanic genes some of his ancestors hat imported into the United States could not be overlooked: dark hair, dark eyes. He wore a dark suit and a red tie which fit him extraordinarily well. Normally he was aware of his effect on women when he wore such clothes but today, he didn't seem to feel well in his attire. Again and again his gaze wandered to the bright red ciphers of the elevator display while it passed the first to fifth floor and expelled people. Finally, on the sixth floor, Scotty was expelled himself along with his colleague Will Jeffries. Scotty let the older detective take the lead and, for some seconds, played with the thought to hide behind him. Then he squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. He wouldn't behave like a love-sick teenager! Besides, Will's shoulders were wide enough to hide him – but still, Scotty was some inches taller than him.

The office of Philadelphia Police, Homicide Squad, lay before them like a virginal, snowy landscape – and only slightly more colorful. He would stop sulking and confront her head-first. He wouldn't try to delay what inevitably was to come… At least he wouldn't try it _obviously_. Damn, he was a grown-up, intelligent man!

All the other members of the homicide squad were standing or sitting around one of the desks and seemed to be in the middle of the morning briefing – every member except the one whose encounter Scotty was so dreading.

"Morning, Scotty."

"Morning, Boss," he greeted John Stillman. „Morning everyone..."

Kat Miller and Nick Vera returned his nod. Scotty turned to Lil's desk where she was inevitably sitting every morning when he arrived.

"Morning, Lil…"

The words died in his throat. Where Lil used to be sitting, sat...

…Nobody.

"Where's Lil?" He asked and turned back to his boss and his colleagues, his feelings ranging from pure relief to great surpris – and a great portion of anxiety. Probably the others felt this anxiety rising because suddenly, four pairs of eyes were staring at him, each with a varying degree of curiosity, questions and suspicion.

"We thought you might now what happened," John Stillman said and raised his brows. _Suddenly_, Scotty thought, _the room was getting very, very warm_.

"Me? Why? How am I supposed to know why she's late?"

"Rush's never late," Nick Vera cut in and took another look at the clock. 7.35am. "She should have been here for ten minutes now. She's always early – I haven't seen her being late in her entire time."

Kat Miller took a sip of coffee from a cup which showed a grinning rabbit in front of San Francisco sky line. "But surely, she's allowed to be late once in a while," she said ironically. "Don't panic."

"But it's untypical for her not to call," Stillman murmured and Scotty agreed. All the years he had known Lil, she never once had been late. And Vera had known her even longer.

She'd always had a good reason if she was late. She had always called to excuse herself the moment so much as a traffic jam was starting to develop…

But Scotty didn't need much imagination to guess why Lil was late today: She feared their meeting as much as he had initially feared it. And Lilly Rush never – never ever! – feared something without a good reason.


	2. II Hard to Believe

**Chapter 2 – Hard to believe **

_Every night she cries herself to sleep  
thinking "Why does this happen to me,  
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"_

_

* * *

_

_Flashback – The day before_

„Thanks for the lift, Scotty."

Lilly Rush was sitting next to him on the passenger seat of his car, her bag and her jacket ready in her hand. The sun was setting in the West. The night was approaching, a warm and soft summer night.

"You're welcome," he answered. "When do they finish checking your car?"

"Hopefully, the day after tomorrow." But she smiled. "Don't worry. Tomorrow, I'll walk."

He had just opened his mouth to tell her he didn't mind giving her a lift when he saw a movement from the corner of his eyes. And when he recognized the person standing next to the stairs of Lil's apartment, his eyes widened. Whatever he just had wanted to say, it was forgotten. At the same instant, he remembered the person sitting next to him and tried to compose his features, but it was too late: Lil saw the surprise mirrored in his eyes and turned around to see what he was seeing.

Scotty only was able to see half of her face: her profile, her beautiful nose, her high cheek bones – and in the last light of the summer sun he saw Lil pale. All her blood drained from her features and for a second he wondered whether she might faint. But then her hand extended to the car door and she opened it, her fingers shaking. As she was standing on the pavement, he couldn't see her face any more, but he saw her fingers clenched around her bag so hard her knuckles turned white. The person who had been standing next to her door made a step towards her and tried to smile but failed.

_Christina._

She was so like Lil. She looked exactly like her sister as she stepped towards her, a hand clenched around the shoulder straps of her bag, the other one pressing a shapeless bundle against her breast.

"Hey, Lil," she said and didn't seem to know what would happen next. Scotty didn't know either. But when he heard her voice – her dark, rough voice he hadn't heard for years – he flinched involuntarily. Once, he would have done anything for her.

Lil flinched visibly, too.

Funnily, Scotty didn't feel the pain he had expected to return at her sight. He didn't feel anything except his heartbeat which thundered against his rib cage painfully – because he knew: For Lil, there was far more pain in this encounter than for him.

When her sister didn't answer, Christina fiddled with her hair uncomfortably and pressed the bundle tighter.

"Could we come in, please? It's not me, but the baby needs clean pampers and…"

Suddenly, the bundle seemed to contain something magnetic. Scotty's eyes seemed to be attached to it by magic. Really, the shape in the bundle had some distant similarities with a living, breathing human being… And then it moved and Lil sucked in her breath with a rasping noise. Okay. It was definitely the time for him to leave. Immediately.

„So... I'm off then," he said and tried to catch her eye but Lil seemed as if she hadn't heard a word. Idiotically, he tried not to make too much noise when he started the car and left Lil and Chris in front of her apartment.

_Hard to believe that  
It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it trough the night  
I won't go home without you._

When he entered the bar in the evening, he immediately found her: her tall, slender figure, her back painfully strait and her golden hair gleaming in the soft light. He would have known her everywhere.

"What are you doing here?" He asked and slipped onto the stool next to her. This was neither his nor her usual bar – maybe that was the reason why both were here.

Lil had changed her clothes. Now, she was wearing a skirt – _Lil in a skirt?_ - and a blue top. But there was something else he couldn't lay his finger on that made her seem… _different_. Small. Fragile. At his question, one of her devastatingly cold gazes met him from the side.

"You think I'm throwing a welcome party?"

"Well…"

Scotty made a vague gesture and gave the bar keeper a sign. The guy came over, asked for his order and took a bottle from the shelf. When Scotty met his gaze, he gave him a huge grin and mouthed "_Hot!_" quietly. Scotty fought down his irritation and rage and decided to take his partner as a role model – and to simply ignore him. Instead, he watched the street behind him through the mirror over the bar.

"She is your sister, and you haven't seen her for a long time."

Lil snorted. "She might be my sister, but that doesn't matter. She's your ex-girlfriend. So why don't you host the party?"

The content of her glass was gone within seconds. _Uh-Oh, _Scotty thought, almost admiringly. _She really is in a bad mood. _

When Lil didn't say anything else, he went over the memories of his and Chris's liaison again quickly. It had been like a bush fire: intense, hot, passionate – and over quickly. Maybe that had been because Chris had run again. Maybe it would have been different if she had stayed. But it didn't matter anymore. The fire had left him burnt and spent and with the resolution to not do this ever again – to have an affair just because he _needed _someone, because he felt lost and lonely and empty inside. And he had been all of this - lost and lonely and angry and devastated and tired and empty and spent because Eliza had died, had left him. Strangely, that thought didn't hurt any more. Suddenly he realized it hadn't hurt for a long time. He simply had forgotten to grieve. He was free again... Silently, he took a breath and felt bad. Because Lil, he knew, never would be free the way he was now.

"Whose Baby is it?" He asked and watched the golden whirls in his glass.

"Hers," Lil replied shortly. Scotty suppressed a chuckle. He knew, it couldn't have been his baby. He and Chris had been together more than five years ago – and the bundle had been too small to be five years old. It was so like Lil – refusing to give him information he didn't _need _to know. But at the same time he knew she would have told him if it had been his baby.

"What now?"

"Now what?"

Lil laughed out, a quiet, bitter sound. „Now she's asleep in my bed. She's been tired to the bone."

Of course. Whatever it would cost her, Lil would still try to help with everything she'd got. At the same time, she would refuse help from others – even until she couldn't stand by herself any longer.

For some time, he just sat next to her without saying something until Lil got up, left the money on the bar next to her empty glass, nodded to Scotty and left the bar.

He gave her 30 minutes, then he paid as well and followed her.

He found her exactly at the spot he had known she'd be: at the stairs to the artificial pond that took a great deal of the big plaza in front of the court building.

Summer's night.

Warm and silent.

"What's the matter, Lil?" He asked quietly and touched her arm lightly. She flinched but he wasn't hurt. He'd known her for a long time, he was used to worse. This was Lilly Rush.

"Why don't you go home and talk to her when she wakes up? I bet she has missed you. I bet she wants to apologize."

Five years had passed. Why was Lil still angry with her? Scotty didn't know half of what had been between the Rush sisters. But he would have thought he'd known enough to judge.

"Apologize?"

Lil spun around. „Apologize – again? Why the hell should an apology be enough?" Her golden hair flew as she threw her head back.

And laughed.

Irritated, Scotty waited until she stopped and looked at him – and her face was one mask of despair. The pain edged into her features was so strong it cut into his heart deeply.

"Why do you hate her so much, Lil? She's your sister!"

"So being one's sister is enough to make up for every mistake?" Her voice was full of disdain. "Oh, one can hate one's own sister, Scotty, believe me – nobody knows better than I do!"

He didn't need to ask further – her inner walls were down. The words spilt from her like a rush of water from a broken dam.

"I was the one who prepared her breakfast from what we had at home! I was the one who set the table in the evening so we at least could have dinner together – cornflakes, a nice dinner for a five-years-old girl! I was the one who listened to her when she told stories from her school day, I wiped her tears when she was sad, I talked to her teachers and told them our mother was too busy working to pay them a visit – working! I actually said she was _working_! I was the one who tried everything so Chris would have a better childhood than I had!"

Her breath was irregular. She didn't look at him. Scotty hated to hurt her but someone would have to say it.

"And you think you deserve thanks for taking care of her. You think she should be thankful."

Her gaze made his blood chill.

She actually looked hurt – as if she couldn't believe he thought that was true. The woman standing before him – she wasn't Lilly Rush. She wasn't the woman he'd gotten to know in the long time they'd been working together – strong, self-contained and proud. Her words, her face and her entire body just screamed he'd been wrong about her.

In this one moment, Scotty Valens got to know an entirely different person. A person who had cared for her sister, who had shielded her from the world – and who didn't regret anything. Even if it had meant she had to put on a mask, if it meant she had to hide her true self beneath the cover of a strong, proud person – she hadn't regretted one single moment. But still, something had shattered her relationship to her younger sister.

"I just don't want to be lied to," she said. Her voice was so quiet Scotty had to bend forward to hear her.

"But if she lied to you I'm sure she'd apologize," Scotty ventured carefully. "You still could forgive her."

"I did." Lil turned away abruptly. „She did it again. Again and again."

Scotty held his breath as she continued, almost as if talking to herself only.

"It was okay when she came back years later. I forgave her. And again – she lied to me. I can't take it anymore."

She looked back at him and her eyes were full of anguish. "I just_ can't_. I want her to stay away from my life – and again, she returns. I came to Philadelphia to escape. She followed me. And there she ist – again."

He didn't understand. Her short, broken sentences didn't make any sense – if one didn't know the whole story. Scotty held her gaze, but she wasn't looking at him. She wasn't even talking to him, but she continued – until she finally fell silent.

"Lil," he asked quietly. "Is it because…"

He hesitated, then decided to just say it.

"Is it because of Patrick?"

"That's none of your business, Scotty!"

Her back was so stiff it literally hurt him watching her. Some people just broke under the weight Lil was carrying it but she stubbornly refused to bow under it. But the fact that she didn't bow didn't mean she wouldn't break one day.

"But no," she continued and made a few steps that carried her away from him. He didn't move, afraid she would run away.

"No. It's not because she slept with my fiancé. If it was only that. If…" Unconsciously, she bit her lip. "If she just had stopped right then," she whispered.

"Stopped what?"

"You know what happened when Chris came to Philly five years ago?" She asked him, a ghost of a smile on her lips. "You should know, actually. It was Chris's birthday, and we went out… Everything was fine. Then, she told me she'd met another guy."

"Another guy?" He was echoing.

„Yes."

„So?"

„She told me I knew him. A guy called Scotty Valens."

He sucked in his breath sharply. Lil ignored him. She was smiling. Not cold, not indifferent, not sad. Her Lil-smile. The smile which hid more than it revealed. Slowly, Scotty realized.

"So… You already knew we were going out when you warned me she was trouble… And because Chris and I were in a... a relationship, she…" He had to be careful. He couldn't just start to interpret, this was too important. "She lied to you again? She betrayed you? But why? She's an adult, responsible for her own actions, and so am I. And it's not like you and I…"

Words. Words. Where were they when he needed them? Scotty didn't understand. What did Lil want to say? What was she actually telling him, underneath her smile and her indifferent words?

But his partner didn't seem to have heard his poor attempts to understand her. Somehow he was relieved.

"She just can't let go. She appears somewhere, destroys something, leaves chaos and broken hearts..."

Lil fell silent. Scotty settled with just watching the moon in the artificial pond. He could almost see all the emotions gathering around Lil: sadness, pain, disappointment – and love. A deep, unbelievably strong love for her little sister whom she had raised – and still, the knowledge that she had been betrayed. Scotty had been working with Lil for six years. She couldn't fool him: he knew – and she knew he knew – how deeply she loved her sister. And he knew she hadn't told him the whole truth. But this evening she had told him more than she ever had in six or seven years. And what could he say to make her feel better? Absolutely nothing.

Suddenly, she began to shiver.

Scotty turned to her and wanted to hand her his light jacket – maybe she was cold – but then he saw her crying. Lilly Rush was _crying. _One big, shimmering tear fell down, made its way down her face which still was as still and indifferent as he was used to. But for the first time ever Scotty Valens began to wonder if she hadn't broken long ago, shattered under the force of the world. And the thought of this was – unthinkable.

„You should go home," he said some time later. How much time later? Lil shook her head weakly, a small smile building up.  
"What do you mean?", he asked confused and shoved his hand through his hair. She had to go home some time, had to find some rest, had to sleep a little bit…

"I'm not going home today," she said, very deliberately.

Shortly, Scotty had a vision of the Lil everyone would be able to see tomorrow in case she really didn't go home: tired, with rings underneath her eyes, her golden hair unwashed and still in the same clothes she was wearing…

"Are you going to stay with someone else?" He asked without thinking. Far to late he realized he wasn't allowed to ask questions like that: questions about Lilly Rush's private life. She'd always been shielding it with all her might. But tonight, Lilly Rush didn't seem to exist.

The person standing next to him was small and fragile and simply shook her head. Scotty made a decision.

"Okay. Let's go."

Before she could say or react in any other way, he had taken her arm and was dragging her along with him.

"Go where?" She just asked tiredly.

"To my place," Scotty replied, a mental image of his own apartment in front of his eyes. He desperately hoped he wouldn't regret it.

„Tidy," Lil remarked quietly. She really seemed to be tired – she leaned at the door to his living-room and had resisted every attempt on his side to come in and sit. Nevertheless, she was so exhausted she could barely stand.

Funny. He had spent until 30 hours with her on special assignments and she'd always been calm and alert. But just one day – one evening full of emotional stress had been enough to drain her completely out of all her energy and to leave her shattered. But still she refused to give in – give in to her exhaustion and to him, her partner.

"One of my few qualities," he joked, desperately trying to lift her mood – and really, her lips twitched. Almost 2,5 millimeters.

"Scotty, your offer is really… nice, but I just can't…"

"No "buts"," he cut her off. "It's fine. I'll sleep on the couch – actually, I do so quite often. Sometimes I'm too lazy to just walk into the bedroom. Would you like a drink?"

Lil actually made two steps into the room and looked at the couch. "No, thanks."

Scotty's brows shot upward. "Lil…"

"Water."

He'd won, he knew it. But water... Ah, so like her. In the kitchen he filled a big glass with fresh water, returned to the living-room – she still was standing next to the couch as if rooted to the spot, feeling very uncomfortable – and handed it to her. Nodding a thanks, she took it – and watched the glass fall from her weak hands and the water spilling all over the couch. Fascinated, Scotty watched her reaction: instead of panicking, Lil buried her face in her hands for a few seconds and then looked at him.

"I'm sorry, Scotty. Do you have a towel?"

"It's just water," he replied, taking the glass and setting it back on the table. Again, he took her hand and led her through the room.

"Let's go."

It was the second time he told her this and the second time she just followed without a word of resistance. Proudly, he remarked how clean and tidy his bedroom appeared to be. It seemed to him that this morning had been one of these days he just had shoved everything into his closet and closed the door behind it.

"I'll give you another pillow and blanket," he said over his shoulder and somehow managed to get both out of his closet without creating an avalanche.

Lil didn't answer. She still was standing at the door, watching him with her eyes wide with fear. She looked so much like a little child and Scotty realized what she was thinking: for her, whom was guarding her privacy like a wolf her cubs, it had to be terrible to invade other peoples' privacy herself.

"It's just for one night," he said soothingly as if talking to a child. Gathering together his own blanket and pillow, he added "The bathroom is on the other side. Just feel at home, okay?"

Before she could find time to articulate her doubts, he backed out of the door.

"Good Night, Lil."

Suddenly, her eyes met his as she looked at him. There was something in her expression he couldn't define.

"Thanks," she said.

Scotty almost smiled and tried to ignore the fact that his heart had just skipped a beat.

"No problem. See you tomorrow."

The door closed silently, then opened again from the inside.

"Where are you going to sleep now, Scotty?" Lil asked. "I've ruined your couch…"

"Lil!" This time, he really couldn't stop his smile. "I'm fine, don't worry. I've still got an air mattress."

One only could guess she was smiling as she closed the door.

Why Scotty woke up in the middle of the night, he wasn't sure about. Suddenly he lay there, on the floor in his living-room. It was warm, summer-night-warm, and the sheet with which he had covered himself lay on the ground next to him. A long time he just lay there without moving and looked at the room glowing in the soft moonlight. Today, it seemed different than usual, for no apparent reason. He found himself listening for a sound from the next room but everything was quiet, as normal. But this wasn't the normal silence he was used to, as the light wasn't the same light he was used to… Everything seemed to have changed and he didn't know why. For a long time he stayed awake and pondered on this thoughts. Then, slowly, he fell asleep again.

* * *

_The taste of her breath, I cannot get over  
the noises that she makes keep me awake._

„I really hope it wasn't too uncomfortable for you last night," Lil said. She was standing at the kitchen counter, a mug of coffee in her hands, coffee she had made herself. And now she was leaning there, letting Scotty realize she never actually sat if she couldn't avoid it. Why was that so?

"No, absolutely not," he answered and mustered her. She looked as if last night never had taken place – she still was wearing her skirt and her blue top but she had taken a shower and seemed to be less exhausted than she'd been last night. Nevertheless, Scotty noticed a thing he'd only noticed once before, on a day she nearly died: she appeared so _fragile. _

"Do you always get up so early?"

Either she did, or she just didn't like other people doing her work.

"I fear I do," she said. "Old habits die hard. I…" She bit her bottom lip. The simple gesture demonstrated how shattered her shield really was – probably she'd wanted to say something like _"I've always made breakfast for Chris"_. And while she was talking about her sister…

"Lil," he said and got up. He didn't want to sit while she was standing, but even so, she almost was at eye's height with him. Lil shrank back and he didn't move.

"I know you've got any reason to hate Chris, but…" He was searching for words, ignoring the look spreading on her face and telling him he'd better stop immediately.

"But didn't you forgive her long ago? After all, she's your little sister. She's _family._"

Lil looked down into the coffee cup she was holding. Scotty wasn't playing fair and she knew exactly what he wanted her to think of. But mentioning her mother wouldn't help now. Or would it? But both her mother and her sister had betrayed her, both in different ways, and both showed the somewhat annoying habit to return to her, asking for forgiveness and assuming she would mend the broken parts and help them with their problems.

„Lil."

Scotty's voice was soft and pleading.

"Go home. Talk to Chris. Otherwise it will be too late... Again."

Lil looked at him.

Her piercingly blue eyes met his – proud, stubborn, investigating and deep. Her gaze was so penetrating he couldn't hold it. Instead, his eyes wandered through the kitchen, took in the window and the blue sky beyond the glass. _Penetrating. _Her gaze seemed to be able to x-ray everyone and everything – sometimes he even feared her blue eyes. One could drown in them, would shrink into nothingness, fall into non-existence, into a state where nothing else mattered but her dark, deep and clear eyes. Every thought, every emotion seemed to lay naked before her and Scotty suppressed a shudder while his heart started racing wildly. Just today, just now, he had seen something in those deep, blue pools he never had seen in them before. He just couldn't say what it was, just couldn't put his finger on it… While he tried to remember what it was, where he had already seen it, his eyes returned to hers. From nowhere, the feeling returned: he was falling, falling into her eyes, drowning in those crystal-clear ponds. His heart went wild while the deafening silence around them both expanded. Scotty was neither able to think nor to speak or to feel. He could just look at her.

And then Lil bend forwards, lifting herself onto the tips of her toes, and kissed him.

Utterly surprised, Scotty stared at her face – the face he'd gotten to know so well and which now was so close he couldn't see it right. He felt her lips – soft and sweet and irresistible. Her breath touched his skin – and before he was able to react, she retreated again. Her eyes mustered him investigating, questioningly, as if she was testing him. Minutes sped past and Scotty was only able to stare at her.

It was as if he saw her for the first time.

And Lilly Rush whirled around on the spot and fled his apartment.


	3. III Here we are

**Chapter 3 – Here we are**

_The weight of the things that remained unspoken  
built up so much it crushed us every day._

_Every night she cries herself to sleep  
Thinking "Why does this happen to me,  
Why does every moment have to be so hard."_

_

* * *

_

And now he was sitting at his desk, waiting for something to happen.

But for what?

What did he expect?

Lil throwing herself at him? Telling him everything had been a great mistake? Telling him he was a good partner and colleague, but nothing more? Footsteps approached, quick and hasty, he would have recognized them everywhere in the world.

"Lil!" Kat Miller called out relieved. "Hurry up, we're leaving!"

Scotty's head went up abruptly.

His eyes searched for Lil's and he was sure she'd avoid eye contact – but she looked straight at him and smiled.

"Morning."

And she was gone again.

"Sorry, Boss," he heard her soft voice from the inside of the little office in which John Stillman resided. Vera, Miller and Jeffries didn't seem to have noticed anything odd. Vera and Jeffries were fighting over whose turn it was to call the attorney today, Miller left the break room, her bag in her hand. Time continued to flow as if nothing had happened. It was hard to believe that anything had happened... That anything had changed at all.

* * *

_Hard to believe that  
It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you._

_

* * *

_

One had to give her credit for one thing: Lilly Rush was able – if she really wanted – to ignore (certain) people until the extent of forcing them into non-existence. If she really was avoiding him – and even after watching her closely the whole day Scotty still wasn't sure if she was – she hid it with amazing success.

She didn't just avoid being in the same room with him. She didn't just avoid talking to him, as any normal woman would have done – but Lilly Rush wasn't a normal woman. It was a lecture Scotty Valens had to learn the hard way.

Because Lil didn't avoid him – she just acted as if nothing ever had happened. She didn't switch to Ice Princess mode. She didn't ignore him.

No, she really didn't. Scotty knew what it was like to _be ignored_ by Lilly Rush – it was just a step behind Arctic Hell, he knew very well himself. He had endured it. But the average temperature in the room still was at some endurable – 23°C – endurable compared to the outside summer weather with some 35°C in the shade.

Nobody even noticed she was wearing a mask except Scotty who knew she was wearing one but couldn't prove it because her mask just showed a normal every-day Lil. No freezing glances. No comments to hurt root canals. Nothing like that.

No.

Much more subtle as any other woman she just acted as if the last night hadn't taken place at all. And if Scotty was true to himself, he had to admit that her behavior hurt him. More: her behavior _annoyed _him. What was she thinking? She couldn't just go and surprise him _– kiss him_ – and then act as if nothing had happened. It nagged at him greatly.

Another thing he had to admit was that she _really _was a great actress. Even he was starting to believe nothing ever had happened between them. She got coffee for him and everyone else and reminded him it was his turn next. She asked him if he had the files for their case. She told Boss he had found out about the evidence in the last case – which he had – and finally, when Kat Miller started to hack on Vera because he had misplaced some important files and angrily stated men just weren't able to keep things in order and Scotty was looking at Lil for help, momentarily forgetting the last evening, Lil just smiled cryptically and said she wouldn't judge without seeing the evidence.

Not knowing whether he should be angry or amused, he listened to Kat and tried to define what was stronger: anger or amusement. And if he was angry – was it because she hadn't sided with him or because she just ignored what she'd did this morning? Was both the same? And then something else still went round and round in his head, something she had said but he had forgotten – and he knew it was important. The whole day he tried to find out what it was, but he just couldn't remember. At one point, he raised his head and noticed that Lil had been watching him intently the whole time. But the moment his eyes found hers, she turned again and concentrated on the printer. As if she just had been staring at nothing special at all.

* * *

_It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it trough the night  
I won't go home without you._

_

* * *

_

His head was aching and it was her fault.

Who _was _this woman? Now he'd gotten to know two different Lilly Rushs. One of them was bitter, exhausted, sad, helplessly lost and fragile. She was _broken_. The other one was proud, ironic and indifferent as ever.

So which Lil did he like more?

_He liked both._

Why had she kissed him?

There were several theories he'd been thinking about the whole day. The first possibility was she'd just wanted to thank him. But normally, Lilly Rush said Thank you when she meant it. He didn't like the possibility. Another one would have been the one in which Lil just had kissed him by mistake. Maybe she'd thought he'd been someone else. Wow, _that _was unlikely. And really, really annoying. And of course, there could have been the possibility that Lil had kissed him because she actually had _wanted _to do it. Because…

He had no idea. Gosh, it was really hot today.

"Scotty? You'll collapse the wall if you don't stop staring at it soon."

The one spoken to was ripped out of his daydream abruptly and noticed the Boss standing in front of him, mustering him sternly. The office was empty. Quickly, Scotty threw the clock a look and realized everyone must already have left the building. Only he'd been sitting there, staring holes into the walls.

"Is everything okay?" Boss asked and looked at him worriedly.

_Just let me think, Boss. Your Protégée and Almost-Daughter, my partner, the woman I've been working with for six or seven years, kissed me this morning and is now acting as if nothing has taken place. And now I've no idea what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to act. Should I talk to her? What if she doesn't listen – as usual? How do I react?_

"Everything's fine, Boss," he answered. "I'm just tired. I'll be leaving in a second."

"Scotty!"

Scotty stopped dead on his way to the exit of the office. Stillman was looking at him knowingly. "Your bag, Scotty."

As the figure stepped into the light and he recognized her he knew she had recognized him, too. Scotty could see how every muscle in Lil's body tensed as she fought the urge to run away – but she stood still, her clenched fists the only sign for the tension pulsing through her body. He was glad she was so stubborn – if she had run, he'd never have reached her. Slowly, she drew nearer to the place he was already standing, waiting for her – the moonlit pond at the heart of Philadelphia.

* * *

_Of all the things I've felt but never really shown  
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go  
I should not ever let you go_

_

* * *

_

„What are you doing here?"

"I could ask the same," he replied. "Too much baby screaming?"

"No."

Lil was quiet. Her gaze travelled over the black water. Scotty, too, just watched – watched the pond and tried to ignore the soft, sweet smell surrounding her. Her lips had tasted the same… Involuntarily, he asked himself how kissing her would be. As sweet as her scent? Soft?

* * *

_It's not over tonight..._

_

* * *

_

He tried to stop these thoughts. He had to make them stop. He couldn't be dreaming of her forever. He had to pull himself together.

"Did you talk to Chris?"

"It's nothing of your business."

Clearly, this meant yes.

* * *

_Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night.._

_

* * *

_

„Lil," he said finally when he couldn't suppress the thoughts any longer. "Why did you kiss me?"

* * *

_I won't go home without you_.

* * *

Her mask shattered.

"So you only kiss Chris, or what?" She snapped.

Scotty stiffened. Was she telling him she'd only kissed him because she wanted to punish Chris – _If you take my guy, I take yours_? Was he supposed to be another chapter in the story of these damn Rush sisters' family affairs?

_Damn._

On the other hand – this was the last thing he had expected Lil to do. No. Lil always had played fair. And he and Chris had been together five years ago. It was impossible Lil still hadn't forgiven him for searching for a replacement – it was not like her. No. It almost seemed as if he had hurt her when he had a relationship with Chris. But how on earth could he hurt _Lil _by having a relationship with _Chris_? He had lied to her, but he had apologized and she had accepted it. She was angry with Chris for hurting _him_, but also angry at _him _for hurting _her... _How could he have hurt _Lil_? It wasn't _her _heart which had been broken by their affair but…

_God._

Enlightenment washed over him with the clarity of fresh and ice-cold water, cleared his head of everything which had seemed so muddy and unclear. Now he _knew _– suddenly, everything just seemed to jump at him with clear and sharp edges. Not just Chris – no, _he _had hurt Lil, too. Because he had a relationship with Chris, while Lil… While Lil…

He spun around to face her.

When she realized – realized she had somehow given herself away, that he had somehow put together the pieces correctly and had understood, she panicked. Fear spread across her beautiful face as she took a few steps backwards.

"No. No! No, Scotty – I didn't mean to say that! I'm sorry, I…"

"Lil."

Carefully, he took a step towards her, unsure what he was supposed to say. What _could he actually _say? It had been his fault. Nothing he said could be right in this situation.

„No!"

Pure fear echoed in her voice. Again, she edged backwards.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I didn't want to destroy it, Scotty, please…"

* * *

_It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night_

_

* * *

_

What was he supposed to do? What could he say?

She was in panic, he saw that much. Every moment she seemed to shatter, to break into pieces like fragile porcelain. She wanted to run away and only the fear what would happen to their relationship if she actually ran held her fixed to the spot. But the moment he said something wrong, she'd run.

Lilly Rush would run.

No. Lilly Rush didn't flee. Lilly Rush needed nobody. She was able to do everything – everything by herself. She was strong, she was independent. She'd never mumble hasty words, pleading him to forget what he just had realized. She'd never sound so frightened. But the woman Scotty saw right now wasn't Lilly Rush, she was just Lil. Fragile, lonely, shattered, being driven insane by the fear of what her carelessness would lead to… Her fear of what she was about to lose spoke from every line in her face – she clung to their partnership and their friendship like a drowning person clung to the last piece of driftwood. Her blue eyes were opened wide, her face was terribly pale. Probably she'd herself never had realized what he had realized – and now she was breaking again because he had forced her to confront what she'd been trying to forget all this time. But all her mistakes didn't make him feel as if she was less worthy of love.

* * *

_I won't go home without you. _

_

* * *

_

She was afraid of relationships.

Scotty knew it'd be difficult having a normal relationship with a woman like her. Lil was used to being alone. She'd always found a way of getting along by herself. She'd buried her fear so deep not even she'd been able to find it. She was entirely herself and it would take time until she would accept him entirely – and he would be looking forward to interesting years to come if he really did what he was intending to do right now. But he liked the prospect. He only had to find the right words now.

So this time it was him who kissed her.

He had to react quickly. Quick so she couldn't guess his intentions and run, quick so she wouldn't panic even more. He crossed the few meters between them, took her head between his hands and pressed his lips onto hers – harder than he had anticipated, because in the last moment she realized what he was doing and tried to flee. When his lips touched hers, her whole body went rigid with fear. Carefully he released her head and touched her face – gently, as if he was touching a wounded animal. And in a way, he _was_. His other hand felt her shiny, silky hair as his lips tasted hers. They tasted soft and sweet and he cursed himself for not having reacted in the morning, for having let her leave in the first place…

* * *

_I won't go home without you._

_

* * *

_

Finally, he made a step backwards, hoping she'd understand. He expected anger, fear and doubt in her eyes. It wouldn't have changed his mind – and wouldn't have changed the fact it had been the best kiss he'd ever had – but he expected her reaction.

What he didn't expect was what he actually saw: tears. Tears in the most beautiful eyes of the world.

Carefully, he wiped them away and mustered her with a burning gaze.

"Did I make myself clear, Lil?"

She couldn't misunderstand his tone. Blood flooded her pale face – it was so adorable he had to lean forwards and kiss her again.

* * *

_I won't go home without you..._

_

* * *

_

He could have continued forever. Could have tasted her sweet breath forever, her soft lips, her arms as she clung to him with the strength of a helpless person, her body against his. Frantically, her lips searched his every time they left them, ignoring the need of oxygen as much as possible. He had to force himself to stop and had to push her back carefully to look at her.

Her hair was in disorder. Color was burning in her cheeks and her breath was coming in short, hard intervals – and still, she didn't dare to look at him. Gently he placed his hand beneath her chin and lifted her head to meet his gaze. In her eyes, he could read a million emotions: irrational fear and desperate hope were just some of them. Smiling, he touched her lips with his fingers and felt her shiver. Then he took her hand.

"Let's go," he simply said.

In his big hand, her small fingers felt more real than anything else he had ever held.

_I won't go home without you._

_

* * *

A/N: The End. Yeah, I know... As I already mentioned, this story is an old one of mine and I re-read and tried to find the mistakes every time I uploaded the next chapter, but I didn't change it majorly. I hope you enjoyed reading and don't think I distorted the characters too much!  
_


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